NERD IN A JOCK™
Asked and Answered with J.D.
Insight into a guys mind and answers from a guy’s perspective. Everything you wanted an answer to about life, love, and relationships… or the daily overwhelming things that we overly think about, but are afraid to ask or talk about out loud. Maybe you’re stressed, need help on finding and maintaining happiness, a great relationship, or how to get over one, and heartbreak. Maybe you just want to vent, or need someone to hear you, and not just listen. Maybe, you’re happy and just need to express it without guilt. Get answers and support without judgement.
Letters to J.D.
Life, Love, and Relationships…
You can ask a question on twitter @letterstoJD using the hashtag #letterstoJD, or by filling out this form:
Unbiased, direct, and honest advice without out judgement. A different perspective, from a male perspective on the daily turmoils of life, an issue at hand, a relationship or lack there of, and more.
The best kind and type of friend is one who feels comfortable dishing out the truth without worrying about losing friendships.
Below — Letters to J.D.
Answer: There will be more heart breaks and you’ll feel like this again, that feeling that it’s the end of the world; but know that it’s not. First thing you have to do is accept that it’s really over, once you do you can start to move on, and start healing. Don’t allow the heartbreak to let you loose yourself over it, put things into prospective, life could be worse, a heartbreak is a first world problem, and a reoccurring problem, you’ll look back on this one and think why and ask yourself: Why was I upset again? There are a lot of girls in this world, physically and literally, but not saying go get them all because trying that especially now would just be an attempt at replacing her and ironically wouldn’t really be getting over her. You loved, that not a loss, a loss would be to have never loved at all, and even better thing you get the opportunity to love once again. Keep in mind you are alive and breathing, you had a life prior to her, and you will have a life after her. Don’t harbor any hate for her or any animosity. Live your life for you, not her, nor with her in mind. For any healthy relationship to stay healthy, you first have to be good with yourself. This will only strengthen your next relationship. Best advice is time, distance, acceptance, and harboring no animosity. Read End of a Relationship and the Mirage that is Heartbreak. it goes further in depth on how to cope with heartbreak and moving on. — J.D.
Answer: What you have to ask yourself, is with all these questions running through your head and the actions you pinpoint, is it all worth it, is he worth it. Deep down you already know what you need and want to do, but the sound of it yield conflicting results. Sometimes what’s good to ya isn’t always good for ya. The reason he continues to do that is because he knows he can and you allow it. It’s called “having your cake and eating it too.” Whether consciously or subconsciously as humans when we know we can get away with something we usually do so until we no longer can. The list that you wrote could also be classified as red flags. He may not want to be with someone else, but it sounds like in his mind he’s left it open ended; right now you’re just an option to him, you have to make sure to let him know that you’re his only option. True relationships should be “us and we” not “I and me,” sounds like he’s more “I and me” than the latter. I can tell you what to do, but it won’t matter because you’re going to do what you want in the end. You have to decide and come to a conclusion on your own without outside influence once you do that’s when you’ll truly have accepted your decision. Only you two know every aspect of your relationship, the bad and the good, make a list of concerns, negatives and positives, if the negatives and concerns outweigh the positives than I think you know what you should and need to do. Gotta ask and remind yourself of your worth, and is he worthy of it. Relationships are 50/50, it shouldn’t be 90/10. I would voice those concerns to him too, approach and speak to him in the same manner you did when writing your letter to me, direct and to the point; let it come out naturally and pour it out there. Don’t over think what you want to say, be strong when you do it and hold your ground, but calmly voice it, so it’s less of an attack and shows its more of a concern. Don allow him to respond until you’ve completely voiced everything that you want and allow it to sink it into his head. Hope that things work out for you, whether you’re with him or not, I have no doubt in the end you’ll be ok no matter what. — J.D.
Key words: “Love” “Before” “Over-thinking”
Answer: Over-thinking anything will drive you mad, but you can’t think about getting hurt in the future because you were hurt in the past. Nothing is promised, there are no guarantees that he won’t hurt you in the future, but there are also no guarantees that you won’t hurt him either. The relationship will not be full until you let each other in. The only important thing is that you love your boyfriend, you want him in your life, and you want to be with him. That’s it. Anything else, the past and the future are irrelevant when you want to be with him in the present. The future isn’t certain, don’t let failed relationships haunt new ones. Remember not to force, or manipulate anything. Simply give beautiful things enough care, understanding, love, time, and an opportunity to grow naturally. — J.D.
Key words: “Anything” “Realized” “After”
Answer: When you’re willing to try anything, that means you’re in that desperation stage, all heart and emotion, no thought. The other person can sense that. You were in love with two people, and you chose one, the other one realized that, that can’t be erased. The only way to get them back is if they want you back, you can’t force it, otherwise you will only continue to push them further away. You were in the driver seat making the decisions, now that’s been taken away from you and has tossed you into a whirlwind. Your heart may be broken, but think of how broken their heart was when you made your first choice. No one wants to be a consolation prize. It won’t be easy, and it shouldn’t be, time, understanding, and forgiveness are the only things that will make it possible. Some relationships and situations just can’t be fixed. If you try to force them back together, things will only get worse. If you love them, you have to let them go, support them, and let them enjoy their life. Let them see what’s out there for them, and if that’s you, then they’ll return. You have to take responsibility in your actions that lead to this point, you originally chose someone else, and realized the grass was greener on the other side. It’s a cliche, but it’s true, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. — J.D.
Key words: “Recently” “Distance” “Seems”
Answer: Everyone seems like the person that you’ve always wanted in the beginning, we’re all on our best behavior in the first stages of a relationship. Now add separation and a long distant relationship to that, it makes everything that much harder and amplifies everything that much more. You said “I get he’s mad,” so there’s something that you’re doing as well that’s contributing to the current situation. It’s hard to have a relationship with someone over a phone, and never physically seeing them. Just physically seeing some in person. When you’re around people on a day to day basis you’re bound to get closer to them than those you communicate with over a phone or the internet. Two people can be in a relationship and be in the same place, but both have their own lives, then there’s the life you have together. You had a life prior to the relationship, now add distance to that, those lives are further separated emotionally and physically with distance. The majority of the time you aren’t with each other, what he’s experience on a day to day basis is his life, it’s more comfortable, it’s what he’s gotten use to. Say you’re in a relationship and you see each other practically everyday, and you don’t talk to other people, at the least you have each other. But in a long distant relationship, where you don’t see each other everyday, and don’t talk to anybody else, but the person you’re in a relationship with, it leaves for a lonely existent. In this technological age that we live in, I assume you two text throughout the day, so by the time you two get on the phone you already know how each others day’s have been, so there’s not much to really talk about. That comes with physically not being in the same place on a regular basis. For anything to work effort has to come from both parties in the relationship. Try to plan out trips and meetings further in advance. Try to meet somewhere halfway so that it’s only an hour and half drive for each of you. Make a date and weekend out of it, explore the city that you two meet in. Long distance relationships are tough, it doesn’t matter how good a relationship is, it literally can just rip it apart. Good relationships don’t just happen; they take time, patience and two people who truly want to work to be together. — J.D.
Key words: “Serious” “Ended” “I”
Answer: Relationships don’t come to an end in an instance, there’s always a build up to the end, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. You said it, he said he doesn’t want a relationship right now, that’s not anything against you, it means exactly what it means. In your mind it was more serious than it actually was, doesn’t mean the feelings weren’t real nor what was said wasn’t true. When you’re in the moment you’re in the moment, but you have to take it at face value, if you’re not dating he’s allowed to talk to other girls. He’s not dating her, so that means he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone, so you can’t take it personal. Relationships when they’re fun seem serious, and most often are because you’re both infatuated with one another, it’s the allusion of lust. You can’t give up something that’s not there to give up. Things never just end one day, there’s always a build, but the mind and heart choose to see what they want to see. There’s nothing you can do because there’s nothing you can do, other than just move on and live your life. If it was the real thing it will come back into your life. If he says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship you have to actually listen to it and not just hear it. If you’re still hooking up with him and you want more despite all that you already know then you can’t get mad at him, that’s on you. He’s been upfront with, everything doesn’t have a deeper meaning. Pride is a powerful thing, you have to accept it as truth and move on, or be 100% ok with what he wants and allow him to do whatever he wants while you do the same. It’s a relationship in your mind, but to him it’s not, it’s just a good thing which doesn’t mean it’s not special. However, in this case he was actually honest with you, when most guys wouldn’t be, and told you he did not want to be in a relationship. You have to accept it, and move on or be comfortable with the situation as it is now. If you decide it’s still what you, then your reason for staying can’t be because you think and hope he will change his mind in the future. If it’s meant to be it will be, but waiting around in an uncomfortable situation isn’t fair to yourself, he, nor your happiness. — J.D.
Key words: “Broke-up” “Night” “Texts”
Answer: It was a text, not a call, but a call wouldn’t of made a difference. You dated so feelings are still there, but in most situations it was just a “booty text,” especially if it occurred at night and the day after breaking up. Those first couple days and weeks get lonely especially when you’re use to having someone there everyday. Either he went out and struck out and went back to what’s comfortable, what he knows, and wanted to see if you were awake. It’s reassurance that he could still go back to you if he wanted to. It’s always nice to be friends before a relationship, but once those lines are crossed, and you break up doesn’t change the fact that he’s still a guy with needs. When you usually want something and you know you can get it, you go to what you know. To what’s comfortable, what’s almost, if not guaranteed. — J.D.
Key words: “Anything” “Realized” “After”
Answer: If you keep going back to him that means there’s been breakups before, and if there’s been breakups before then they’ll be more if nothing changes any time soon. People can only get away with things that you allow them to get away with. Only you and he know every aspect of your relationship, so scratch the friend, you can’t blame him. The blame falls on your boyfriend and yourself for allowing the friend to affect your relationship. If he allows it he’s probably insecure and cares too much about what his friends think of him. And the friend is probably jealous, because most case that friend is likely single. Ten months is a good while, once you hit six months the lust wears off and the realness shows itself, so you two made it an extra four months. You two have to talk and make sure that your friends don’t affect the relationship. Your friends usually only hear the bad aspects of the relationship because those are who we go to to vent. That’s all they have to go on to, and go into protective mood or are envious that you have someone. At the end of the day it’s only two people in your relationship, you and him. Make sure not to bad mouth the friend, keep the conversation concentrated and you two. He also needs to man up, have your back when his friend says anything bad about you, not perpetuate the behavior, and not put any stock in it either. Think if it were reversed, you would find it hard to please he and one if your girlfriends who disliked him. Your friends have and will find themselves in same situations, it’s usually the single or the ones who feel neglected that make their voice known in other people’s relationships. You can’t let nor allow others to dictate your relationship. As powerful as love is, in the end, a relationship is always work; no matter how great it is. — J.D.
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That’s a good one